Dear Alpha, my boyfriend lives in Enugu and I live in Calabar with my parents. We’re both students of Michael Okpara University of Agriculture, Umudike. Due to the lock-down, we have not seen each other in almost four months. Now my boyfriend is asking me to send him sexy nude pictures of myself so that he can use it to “hold himself” (according to him). But I feel uncomfortable doing that. He got upset after I refused to send the pictures, and he said I don’t like him enough to do that for him. He even threatened to quit our relationship. What should I do? I don’t want to lose him. ——- Abigail, Calabar.
This email came from Abigail who lives in Calabar. Her plight is the plight of every young girl in the age of social media. Demand for ‘sexy’ nude pics has increased, and ladies are yielding. I wrote Abigail back with the following advice, and as usual, I thought you might gain some wisdom from my perspective on the matter. So here it goes;
Talk About it
If your relationship is as good as I think it is, the first steps to explore in resolving conflicts is communication. You need to talk to him and let him understand that you cannot do it. In my opinion, unless your boyfriend masturbates to a nude picture of you, he doesn’t have need for it. It will not be of any help to him. Saying that he wants to use it to ‘hold himself’ beats me.
Do Not Compromise
For refusing to budge, I respect you. Do not look back or have regrets on your stance, even if it means that your relationship will end. In time, he will come to respect you. You did the right thing and should be proud of yourself. It is usually difficult for ladies to say no to demands like this, especially if they think they have a beautiful body, or they feel that the guy loves them.
You are still very young and possibilities are, you will not be in this particular relationship for the long haul. So what happens to these ‘sexy’ nude pictures when your relationship has ended? Do you think he will still feel the obligation to keep your privates private when he has moved on with someone else? I bet he won’t. So, saying no right now protects you, both for now and for the future. Stand firm in your resolve.
Understand You Don’t Owe Him That
Lady, your body is the exclusive reserve of your husband. Your boyfriend does not own your body, your husband does. So, unless he has moved from boyfriend to husband, he should not place those demands on you, and if he does, understand that you’re not under any obligations to satisfy that want. Make him understand this too.
About Threatening to Quit
As for threatening to leave the relationship because you refused to send him naked pictures of yourself, here’s what I say. Let him leave! He’s playing mind games on you. It’s called emotional blackmail. He feels you love him too much to allow the relationship end just like that, and you might be willing to budge if he threatens the relationship. Well, don’t allow him to use your head. What I’m dishing out is wisdom for now, and for the future. Take it and thank me later.
Well done Abigail, for asking this question. It shows good judgement on your part to stop and think about the possible downsides of a situation. You probably asked because your gut is telling you it’s not a good idea. This is the part where I say, trust your instincts.
Sharing your naked pictures right now may seem harmless and private. But in reality, nothing digital is ever 100% guaranteed private. Once a picture is out there, you can’t take it back, and you can’t control where it ends up. Don’t take that picture. People send pictures, mistaking it for a way to feel closer with their boyfriends. But it is actually a false sense of closeness. Photos can’t replace being together, and talking about stuff. So let your instincts guide you, and take pride in the fact that you know and value yourself, and don’t let no boyfriend make you think less.
It’s natural to want to make him happy, so it may seem hard to say no to a request like this. But here’s another thing; if he’s a good guy, he’ll have more respect for you when you stay true to your values.
Saying no now, is a chance to let your relationship grow by letting him know more about what you believe and stand for. It is also your chance to get a clue about his personality. If he understands and accepts that you don’t want to send him nude pictures, its a sign he respects you. But if he does otherwise, like he’s threatening to leave your relationship, that’s a red flag. If he cares for you, why put you in a situation that upsets you or makes you uncomfortable?
It also gives you clues about yourself. If you have worries about saying no, is it because you’re low on self-esteem? Or is it because your boyfriend is more controlling about the relationship? Where’s the pressure coming from? Is your boyfriend pressuring you or are you the one pressuring yourself to make him happy?
To every Abigail out there who have similar questions, I hope you found your answer by reading this article. Do you have your own questions? Just hit the pink #AskAlpha dot below to ask me and I’ll do my best to answer it.